Conversations Among the Ruins

You will be
crushed
forgotten

stepped on and
discarded.

Oh you like me?
and I"m beautiful I'm
so perfect you

kissed me I
kissed your
face and I

believed it
mattered.

I told you
how special you
were and

that I always thought
you were different.

Going off to fuck
my friend and
come back and

touch my hair to
tell me how
pretty it is.

You
are
not
different.

I

flinched like you

were the thousands
I already met
in this
life and I

believed
otherwise for
a while
but you made me

wrong.

You are a
fucking drunk
self centered

son of a bitch
child slurring boy
thing.

I cut so much
shit out of my life
and you brought it here

to me
on a plate.

Running off to a
hotel room with her
back an hour later I

buttoned your shirt
in that casino and if

your lucky you will
find this before you
try to speak to me

ever again.

I was better
than you and I
thank you for that

clarity. I actually
thought

that you
were
different.

I really did.
And I am washing
my hair tonight and i

hope you get
some goddamn help
someday.

You look like shit
with that drink
in your
hand and I

could low ball you
further but I

unlike you
possess

some fucking
boundaries and will
cut it

here.

Layin in bed you
text me of your
dreams.

In my head
all day you've
been, sorry if

any
sweeping
tornadoes

knock
the bubblegum
from that pretty
mouth.

I really
miss you
today.

I could call
I guess a

distant
voice or

promise you
the sky and
everything

under if you
fly through it
and here

to me.
But I can't
do that.

My days of those
promises are
the sand

at the bottom
of the
hourglass I

packed up and
relocated. But
just so

you know though
you're here
with me/ my

cigarettes and
radiohead and
little smeared

poems I sweat
out to write.

Those spots
in your eyes are
memorized.

I always knew
I'd have to
let that
happen.

I get blurry
and dizzy
in this heat,

slicing
avacados

with a
switchblade
from my

purse.

I'm sitting here with my lip shaking, trying to hold it together. What is it you're supposed to be doing when you're trying to hold it together instead?

I am so overwhelmed but it is with love, family and my friends. I have cried for so many reasons so many times this past three weeks that I can't place a single one, but, after a good cry, I remind myself why I am doing all of this, and how special and imperfect of a zen this current life exists as. She told me I exist as a perfect human and I felt much brighter.

For every single person that showed up somewhere or nowhere to see me this week and give me a hug, or make fun of me, or swing on swings with me, or sit on the beach with me, or sit in Giles with me, thank you. "Thank you" sounds so little, I hope I can make it feel as big as the overwhelming love and attention you have all given me.

I have been given cards with cash, gift cards, ring pops, glow sticks, fruit stripe gum, sweedish fish, two slinky dogs from toy story (he is my favorite), a legendary black hat that has been with my friend for years, a HST quoted cake with a squirrel on it, lunch, dinner, breakfast, kisses, and nine hundred million misquito bites. Vegetarian vegetable soup, non alcoholic wine, flowers. Flowers. Flowers. A hair dryer and trail mix, and a SCHMOO mix cd CONTAINING post cards from the edge. WC macaroni and cheese, and dinner cooked by my favorite chefs for thirty of my friends. I have gotten rocks, paintings (LOVE) and well wishes and tears that stay on me when people walk away.

My friends and family all pitched in and gave me a mac book pro. I have named it Azlan and all I could do was cry in the kitchen as I stared at the box. SNL even wrapped up a giant fake present box. I saw my grandmother cry for the first time in my life, and my papa had a cookie and cheesecake spread at his house last week. Matty and Jen MC had rainbow cones with us.

I saw my daughter and carried her around a room, and her parents cooked us dinner. I got to see their wedding book. Who would have thought, how our paths would cross. What a wonder.

And Michelle. I got to spend three weeks joined at the hip with my best friend in the world. She met my little girl and she hugged my dad and told him that I would be incredible wherever I go, and that I will be safe and incredible too, that she will make sure of it.

I guess I'm just writing this to say, that each and every person that made it a point to say something to me, or give me a hug, or let me cry, or take a picture, or tell me a story.. you will always be with me, and that there isn't any such place as far away.

Lauren Schroeder makes me feel like the most spoiled, special person in the whole world sometimes, as with LDP, Michelle, The Fox, JL, J&MMc, Lisa & RW, my mom and dad and many many others. I am in love with my moms brave face she keeps on for me and my big sister and her gorgeous daughter talking to my family on their webcam.

I am so exhausted, and I am so overwhelmed, but everybody matters a great deal to me, and I am so happy that I can leave the way that I am, knowing I have an army of the most interesting, special, brilliant, intuitive, beautiful souls behind me.

I look forward to spending a great deal of time writing out thank you cards when I get to Las Vegas.

That's a wrap loves. I can't really express anything enough. Just thank you everybody for all of your glow.

Love
HL

They bring me candy
rocks, love and
cartoon toys.

They gave me cake
and flowers and
hugs. We climbed

on the monkey bars,
got pushed on the
swings and skipped

through an empty
field of grass.

They met my
father and talked
with my mother and

cooked a dinner
laced with memories
of the place we all
met.

They said
you will be great.
He kissed me I told him
that it's sad I'm

impossibly
crazy and he
said back

but you aren't you
never were.

Joe says goodbye
to me he puts his
favorite black hat
on my head he says

"keep it."

He has had that hat on
everyday since I met him
six
years ago.

And my Lauren, she gets
this face of blank child
like wonder sometimes. Those
moments need to be frozen,

saved
and thawed of time.
My other Lauren made so
many salads, and handed me a
sketchbook she bound
herself.

I will never be
away from these people.
We've been having
family day since I

had blonde hair.

I can go to sleep
quiet tonight.
"I never knew how soft
you could be."

"Well now
you know."

I punch
his arm.

I love you
all
you know, I hope.

You make my life
ecstatic
and my books of how it
all worked

worth someday
being something
worth labeling

inspiring.

Have I ever told
you make me feel like
a real person
that glows?

I'm not a doll or a
ghost or a vampire
zombie
figurine object in
those eyes.

I've been watching you
for years and as we walk

between the gravel dust
through this shut down
carnival where the lights

are on dim enough
for me to scare you
with clown stories I

wonder
if you know that.
I like your ripped jeans
and I love your
little sister but

if you touch me
I might lose myself
and you might lose
your face.

You know
the way
I am, and you

know why, and
you take me to
dinner and

win carnival prizes
and
tell me that
you love me
anyway.

Even where
the lights
are the most
bright.