Conversations Among the Ruins

It's a gray sting really. Where it just looks dismal and like
suddenly there are trees everywhere, and trash on the road
where the grass is yellow and the curbs are soggy.

It's a gray sting really as he buys me a dunkin donuts coffee,
small, no sugar, extra cream. He hands me the coffee and a
gift card. "In case you run out of coffee." I run my fingers over

the top of his hand in thanks.

It's a gray sting really, dismal and wet with trees and trash on
the road. Where recovery isn't pretty and the last thing you see
when you fly out of this great City is the oldest neighborhood

with the worst cut heroin and rusted
motels with the most roaches but not today, today it is him and I,
twenty feet above ground almost the F150 is so tall as he buys me

a small decaf coffee and a gift card so that his kindness
and the little things he does for me will stay with me -
even after I get out of this dismal gray sting of goodbye,

flying out and up into this bleak sky.

"Sunny and Seventy and I can't wait to see you"
a text message reads.

I hug him goodbye
and tell him

I love him.

He thanks me for coming,
tells me to give him a call

when I get

back home.

"I will Dad.

No matter what,

you know

I will."

I throw popcorn
as the fish swim
sadly.

He gazes around
the condo, at the
bags of

paint and
canvas,
clothes

and shoes he

bought me
today, over

to a giant
Boarders bag.

"Don't you get
lonely in here?"

He asks. I gaze

at my cowboy
boots.

"I get
everything in
here."

He laughs
me off.

"Why did
you pick those
books?"

He asks.

"Because
Sylvia Plath
is not

a drunk ass
womanizing
motherfucker,

and since
I chose to
idolize a poet

of such persona
for so long,

I decided to
broaden my
horizons

to a pulitzer
prize winning
woman.

So Syliva,
my cigarettes
and I

will be

everything
I get in this

room
for a while."

My mother puts
down the
Juxtapose
magazine,

her eyes
wide.

"The book you
write
when you get
through all of

this

will make
you. Just
wait."

My father
interrupts.

"Don't wait.
I need to be
alive to see

if that actually
happens."

"Well that
makes
two of
us, Father."

"You stood
in front of
that poetry

section so long
I
thought you
died there."

He says
next. I choke
a laugh, a laugh
that keeps me

exhausted to
come up with and

respond
a far away

"Because

I did."

There is only
one way in hell
that I will

willingly
drive
down

Las Vegas
Boulevard.

That is if
my father
hasn't seen it

in fifteen
years.

So I take them
from all the
way South
to all the way
North.

I attempt
enthusisam
as I walk

this gaudy
neon street.

I lose and
find him
over and over

in a maze of
lights and
carpet and

other peoples
cigarettes.

When we get
back
to my car, I

sigh happily
and say
"Giles. Thank
God."

"You don't
come out here?"

He asks. My
response
is a look

without
words. Driving
through the
parking garage,

I feel him
thinking that
I'm driving

too fast. At
an intersecting
corner

I slowly
bring the
car
to a complete
stop

as I look
both ways,

let another car
pass, and continue
driving. He says

to me slowly

"My little
girl

is all
grown up."

I say
nothing.

The moment
passes like a

lost receipt
for an item
I never thought

to take out
of the
bag.

Heather Corradin ->Jami Nicolai Goza: I found this book today called "Traffic. What our personalities in traffic tells us."
Apparently you're a murderer.
February 21 at 11:49pm

Heather Corradin ->Brian Campos: When theres an existing half of something I want, we will divorce.
Until then, thank you for thinking of me on my birthday.
October 15 at 12:01am

Amy Pindel >Heather Corradin: So how was work? Did they absolutely love u or what?
July 19 at 8:42pm Heather Corradin -> Nobody is replacing my red straw with a crappy black one in my redbull yet, so not as much as you love me.

Heather Corradin ->Rick Mitchell: How am I ever going to make a bathing suit out of your resume if you don't send it to me? Heather.Corradin@gmail.com
June 30 at 6:21am

Heather Corradin ->Corrine Grale: Tell Half Jap to show himself so I can send him a friend request!
February 13 at 11:24pm

Heather Corradin ->Jason Goza: I'm gonna jump in that pool with my wig on.
July 21 at 8:57am

Heather Corradin ->Grant Garley: I think we should take a road trip to a place that sells that fucked up colored easter bread all year round. You find it I'll map it.
December 1 at 10:18am

Heather Corradin ->Trinity Schaeffer: ‎"It's only a matter of time until the special hits the fan." Ha Ha Haaaa!! Love love you!
February 1 at 8:10pm

Heather Corradin ->Sheila Wannos: Dear Shee,
I love you.Studiously,
Lamb Chops.
April 27 at 3:11pm

Heather Corradin ->Dan Liner: I was in Mundeline recently. It pissed me off.
September 16 at 6:46am

Heather Corradin ->Jason Goza: So about starting our own sub culture in an underground silo...
March 2 at 9:10am

Heather Corradin ->Michelle Bigos: I thought today I should tell you that you are the very best best friend a person could ask for. Thank you for letting me scream, and cry, and dance to songs I would never admit to anybody else that I like. Thank you for bitching at me and not bringing up my diet when I eat another slice of girodanos. Thank you for finding the approximate size of the suitcase I wanted to buy, and not saying a word as you scanned it to see what it's defect was because we were at Marshall's. Thank you for calling me when I am lost in the baby section (for grace) at Nordstrom Rack, even though you know I won't answer.
Also, I found a turnabout picture of you and your date from freshman year at the bottom of a box last night. Will not post.
May 27 at 7:22am

Heather Corradin ->Corrine Grale: A quiz just told me I was Cleopatra in my past life. Fuck those quizzes! Call me!
January 18 at 2:48pm

Heather Corradin -> Phillip Groves: Recent Activity: Shitlisted.
April 10 at 10:00pm

Heather Corradin ->John Zoubek: I'm actually really good. Faking it less and doing things like figuring out my feelings through my iphone mood application.
I am one step away from becoming a teletubbie in a playpen, which is fine, as long as I don't have to be the fat purple one.
April 14 at 11:50am

Heather Corradin ->Lisa Corradin Walter:
Dear Lisa,
Absolutely cannot wait to see you, the beamers, and Rdub. Thanks for snapping me out of it.
Love,
Your sister.
August 5 at 8:14am ·

Heather Corradin ->Natalie Ferris: Yes Natalie. Hyprocites ARE sexy.
July 15 at 9:58am

Justin Hop ->Heather Corradin: Im moving downtown. I thought I saw you in Hollywood last night. It wasnt you and I looked dumb. Thanks.
May 15 at 3:54pm

Heather Corradin ->Reena Calm: Wow I miss my queen bitch.
March 7 at 9:05am

Heather Corradin ->Michelle Bigos: There is a point where I draw the line. Sitting alone at Olive Garden drinking Lambrusco is about that time. Did you wear your dress to dinner?
May 21 at 8:25am

Heather Corradin ->Jami Nicolai Goza: In a flash of complete stupidity/ brilliance I named Neal's car the Spoon last night. Bam.
August 1 at 9:53am

Heather Corradin ->Phillip Groves: It's about time that time you change your mind about coming to LA, and while I respect you're trying to make this as vintage phil as possible, I'd really like to have a friend on the plane with me to buy me a snack and maybe let me beat them a dozen and a half times at Uno. Looks like you'd fit that bill. Get with it!!!!
October 22 at 9:07am

Heather Corradin ->Jami Nicolai Goza: Pistacio and I have a date with the tattoo man tomorrow. TC is gonna whoop my ass in November. ‎"Happy Thanksgiving. I'm frying you with the Turkey." ‎"Just make sure I get to be a Capriotti's sandwich"
August 2 at 4:53pm

Heather Corradin ->Corrine Grale: Jesus you've got me blaring this track like I'm at some Oakenfold bullshit in a half dress made of zippers and spandex. Loves it.
December 21 at 10:43am

Heather Corradin ->Al Larcher: And, for the record, for the most part, I have utterly no idea what the hell is going on out here, I do get about three seconds of clarity about three times a day. It makes the other 23 hours and 56 minutes worth it.
September 28 at 4:55pm

Heather Corradin ->Chris Keaschall: The sticker machine gave me a vikings sticker. Fired.
November 24 at 5:10pm

Heather Corradin ->Michelle Bigos: TC is in a serious dither that Orton got traded. I decided maybe you two could talk it out together and level out.
April 3 at 1:05pm

Clayton McKinney ->Heather Corradin: Where did your myspace go?
Heather Corradin ->Clayton McKinney: Threw it off a cliff. Watched it die.
December 6 at 1:51am

Heather Corradin ->John Zoubek: Which is exactly why I should get myself fired and become a personal gift shopper for nerds.
January 31 at 1:00pm

Heather Corradin ->Michelle Bigos: I think I heard them say that I looked like Kristen Stewart. This offends me and my tan membership.
June 18 at 10:20pm

Heather Corradin ->Nick AutoAxon Elliott: Call me on Monday and nobody gets the fangs.
August 7 at 9:51pm

Heather Corradin ->Corrine Grale: bman_countdown the Man burns in 148 days!!!!!!! Started a new painting. I'm singing "I'm going to fucking exacto knife you " to it in my prettiest voice. Lets hope it
turns to something.
April 9 at 12:23pm

Heather Corradin ->Lauren M. DalPonte: Still feel like a gelitian lobster. << those are my claws. *lobster noise. / Jelly shake.
March 12 at 11:02pm

Heather Corradin ->Rick Mitchell: I survived mitchelleville, but it fucking sucked.
July 10 at 9:45am

Heather Corradin ->Al Larcher: In & Out burger is a bunch of brilliant chef motherfuckers that never want to see my ass in a size six ever again.
July 31 at 8:50pm

Heather Corradin ->Michelle Bigos: TC was PISSED I didn't decide "Hey self, I should get tc a thirty dollar large middleweight super pizza"
I lied and said we only had salad bar so keep it shut you!!!!!
December 18 at 7:59pm

Brittany Montgomery Powers ->Heather Corradin: we drove around for hours looking for a seemingly nonexistent buffalo exchange, ate black bean burgers from a circus freak show that would later be shut down, then sat in the apartment with a hookah wearing your black knee high moon boots. telling this story calmed me into submission and let me sleep last night.
May 27 at 5:24am

Heather Corradin ->Brittany Montgomery Powers: My friends moved into an apartment with the exact same layout of Grammel's. Weird! The sign actually says "buffalo exchange" now, and the next time I drive down Milwaukee from 5 to 10:30 I'd better be dead and in hell.
May 27 at 7:09am

Heather Corradin ->Missa Fatla: Sorry ms I'm doing the recluse thing for a while. I'm reading three books and writing two and really focusing on none of it. ugh.
June 5 at 9:41am

Heather Corradin ->Jessica Buenrostro: Uh wife my ipod jack broke and cd's wouldn't play either because of the dust in the system. So I was listening to Dolly Parton through Death Valley on the one radio station in the pitch black last night just laughing my ass off and wishing you were with me to fuel the fire.
September 7 at 12:23pm

Heather Corradin ->Derek Kolb: Phil says you're the cool version of him.
June 29 at 7:03pm · Derek Kolb -> Thats cool. Phil told me you're the hot version of him. June 29, 2009 at 9:41pm

Heather Corradin ->Matthew Kohles: Just thought you shold know that I'm crazy about you. Kisses and have a nice day.
November 19 at 8:11am

Heather Corradin ->Michael Barry: None Of Your God Damn Buisnessville.
February 16 at 9:03pm

Heather Corradin ->Missa Fatla: It all just happened so fast. I'm still marrying your brother no worries.
October 6 at 10:25am

Heather Corradin ->Corrine Grale: Happy orbit to my fellow traveler. To LV, To LA, to MN, To BM, to FC to DET (You're going) you are by far my orb companion of light and all that makes up the astral. It's been a suck year in alot of regards and you've handled it like a goddess. All I could expect from one of my favorite reflections. For you, not a candle, but a sushi menu lit on fire putting a hole in the table for all of those wishes (note sapphire up will not put it out)
♥ to you corrinka.
February 11 at 10:08am

Heather Corradin ->Jordan Duck Schaeffer: Well played. That's how the only way a glowsitck is supposed to die. Dancing.
October 12 at 8:23am

Heather Corradin ->Fernando Aguirre: Santa Monica .. Whatever. I can still hear you gossiping, and I haven't set foot in Hell in a week and a half. SHUT IT!
March 11 at 8:26pm

Heather Corradin ->Jordan Duck Schaeffer: Do you know I flooded AND almost blew up the line yesterday? It was all of your itching.
March 14 at 8:09am

Heather Corradin ->John Zoubek: How would you feel about your name being written on post its stuck all around the city? I want add the creation of ironically pointless statements to what I do with my free time and start calling myself an artist.
I think it will give me a sense of purposeless conversation.
I've been bored lately.
April 21 at 9:19pm

Heather Corradin ->Natalie Ferris: Thanks for telling me I should maybe drink less...
December 9 at 12:10pm

Heather Corradin ->Elijah Ewasiuk: RICKY IS BACK.
November 20 at 10:18am

Adam Black ->Heather Corradin: real skinheads dance to madonna.
February 1 at 7:12pm

Heather Corradin ->Chelsey Johnson: I can't get out of bed. I wont get out of bed. Ugh.
October 5 at 9:12am

Lauren Schroeder ->Heather Corradin: Aww hez... That's back when our relationship was just beginning to blossom. We are amazing together. Love you! Congrats on the official blog.
September 17 at 7:43pm

Heather Corradin ->Michelle Bigos: Thank you for your assistance during my dire state of utter stupidity twice in less than 24 hours. Lv/u
May 8 at 9:17pm

Heather Corradin ->Chris Keaschall: I hope you have some styly new shoes for the grime to dance with, that turn to flippers in the event you jump off the yacht. Also, will call your boat shit BEFORE the party closes, or you will end up in russian club whore hell. Love you, and take care of my Phillip.
May 28 at 11:05am

Heather Corradin ->Jami Nicolai Goza: Mega success at illuding the cox cable robot into thinking I was Jason.

Heather Corradin ->Neal D. Forby: Feel free to pick me up in Spoon, Ferris Beuller, style any day now...
April 1 at 9:39am

Heather Corradin ->Ryan Clancy: yuk I've been reading generation ecstasy again to figure out what direction I want to take it. GROSS. Wisconsin raves?!?!?!
June 1 at 9:20am

Heather Corradin ->Natalie Ferris: I have to say I
1. Woke up and told my boyfriend about that crazy lady and her gd ferragomo scarf (it seemed to take forever)
2. you were one pretty bitch last night.
December 18 at 12:40pm

Heather Corradin ->Nick AutoAxon Elliott: Uh, my boss wants to know why 800 sets of googly eyes just fell out of my makeup bag and onto her floor. Can I get some back up?
October 25 at 3:08pm

Heather Corradin ->Jason Goza: Did that just really happen?
February 22 at 12:23pm

Heather Corradin ->Corrine Grale: I can't wait to tell you my story of almost being arrested at Jewel for tampon theft while on a journey for sleepy time bubble bath at 1am. Not so stress free.
June 18 at 8:04am

Heather Corradin ->Tim Pieraccini: Holy shit I got a comment on my blog that said
"Very good work. You should consider writing regularly"
October 15 at 8:25pm

Heather Corradin ->Stephen Domagalski: Stephanie I can see your hot pink leggings FROM HERE.
August 2 at 5:03pm
Stephen Domagalsk:i They look good on my gorgeous gams, don't they? How is Vegas?
August 3 at 12:12am
Heather Corradin: You do have a pair of legs. LV is good. Hot. Tacky. Just weird. I fit in just fine.

She is actually one of those women that is that combination of "don't get caught looking at her" gorgeous and well put together that
how quiet she is will put off.

Her name is Rachel. She is tall with impeccable blonde hair, like a carbon copy of my daughters mother. But Rachel, if she likes you, will open her mouth and just

shock the hell out of you. Today she says to me

"You are about to start becoming painfully aware of how many fucked up people there are amongst you at all times. Get Ready."
Followed by
"I got high to shut my mouth. To just shut the fuck up. And it worked."

I sit on that statement like a princess on top of a pea. Yeah. Sometimes I wish I didn't understand but I'v lit enough fires I was lucky enough to blow out for other wishes that did and didn't ever come true.

I almost shattered the picture kitchen window with my cell phone tonight. Instead all I did was turn my voice to a cut volume depth I rarely bother with any more. I don't even want to get into the specifics but today

I called my father unacceptable. Un fucking acceptable actually. Really I'm keeping the specifics in the family, but the short was

"Well just have her show up on Thanksgiving day so she can meet everybody!"

I cracked my knuckles about twenty times, knowing if I punched something I'd start screaming, and I'm not a screamer, I'm a deathly, shifting, calculating, silent type. No need to let go of that now.

"This is about an eight year old girl, not you. Do you remember being eight around people you didn't know?"

So I call up Michelle, ranting nonsense as she, as always, comes up with the perfect words to calm me down.

"Ugh now I just feel out of line and horrible. I know they love me and do the best they can. I feel guilty and like, I defend them to myself."

"Heather. If you're defending them who in the fuck is defending you? Who was ever defending you? Who is standing up for you and who should have been? Do you understand that you are far away enough now to seriously sit down and ask them the things you've always been afraid of asking?"

Thousands of miles away and I still cry the same. So I go

to the gas station to buy a fountain dr. pepper with nickels, as i have run out of quarters and dimes, thinking back to Burning Man where I asked Tosh for a lighter he said

"You are so needy"
and I replied "You wish"
and he said "yeah"
and we laughed quietly.

and I just wonder sometimes
how different my life
would have been if

I would have ever
been allowed
the luxury

of needing
anybody

that didn't
fuck that up
and

teach me
otherwise.